This month everyone is talking about love.
They are sharing date nights, and cute Valentine’s crafts, and at home spa pedi ideas. And while I’d love an at home spa pedi like nobody’s business, I think I wanna take things a bit deeper- which we should all expect by now, right?
Two years ago my life was in an entirely different place than it is now. I was in a relationship at that time. My every thought was about him. Each act was made in order to bring him joy, or to gain his approval, acceptance, or some form of attention. I was consumed.I focused every single day on romancing him and cultivating our relationship.
My value and worth had quickly become based upon his reaction to me that day. Although I know he loved me dearly, I was relying upon him to validate my every word. And when those words were going unheard or challenged it was leaving me empty, feeling as if I was doing things wrong, or wasn’t worthy of being loved. My only purpose in my life was getting him to love me. Getting somebody to love me. And to approve of me and the way I do things.
The crazy part- I wasn’t even doing the things I wanted to be doing. Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted to be doing. All I knew was that I enjoyed doing things with him. And that when he was happy with me and doting on me I felt like the queen of the world.
As you can imagine, a relationship like this won’t last. Not long anyway. And certainly not in a healthy manner. So, when we ended I found myself in a place I had been so many times before. Lost and alone.
With each break up I had experienced through my life I had lost a little piece of myself. So, here I sat at 25 years old, 5 real relationships later, and no ounce of my true self remained. I had given, and sacrificed, and found my only value within those relationships. Each time I molded more. Each time I lost trust in someone caring for my heart. Each time I left some of my dignity behind.
I had given so much to other people that I know longer knew who I was or what I wanted for my life. My dreams had become a combination of everyone else’s dreams. My ability to do things was based on what others told me I was capable of. My emotions were stuffed away and only shown as what I had been told was acceptable to feel. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or how I felt about anything, because I was too (unknowingly) busy trying to be what I thought would be a lovable person. And yet, here I sat- unloved.
That was two years ago. Where am I now?
Absolutely, completely, to the moon and back in love. With myself.
You heard me. I discovered a way to find value in ME! I found a way to give myself my own worth. I learned the things I am passionate about, and began pursuing them. My life began unfolding in front of me because I gave it a purpose. I am no longer consumed in other people, or their direct opinions of me.
I am a super silly, kind of nerdy, kind of girly, kind of smart, and crazy passionate individual with a heart so big that I almost can’t contain it- and I am SO in love with that person. I’m obsessed with my cats. I totally nerd out on Harry Potter, and can be a complete slob sometimes. I’m not always perfect on following through, but I will forever aim to be better at it. Going on adventures is one of my favorite things in the world, as long as I approach them in the least adventurous way possible. I love to bake but rarely do it because, couch. I rarely wash my hair, and spend more hours than you care to know online window shopping. And you know what? I kinda don’t care what you think about it, because those are the things that make me me, and I like me that way.
This month will be focused on falling in love with yourself. Every nook and cranny. I can’t make you fall in love, only you can do that, but, I can share my experiences with you. And I can walk you through the things that have changed my life. It was hard, hard work. And it is still work, every single day. But let me tell you, it has been so worth every single moment I have invested.
You deserve to be more in love with yourself than you’ve ever been with another human being.
You deserve to know what gives you butterflies, and how to make yourself smile. You deserve to be valued. And you are exactly the person to do that. It will give you so much more hope than you could have ever imagined. And more passion than you know what to do with. And you know what else- I think your life will start going better than you could have ever imagined. It has for me at least.
Throughout the month of February I will walk you through the ten major things that helped me fall in love with myself. They may or may not be the perfect things to get you there, but they have most certainly changed my life.
If you want to stay up to date on this series click the little subscribe button to the right, you can get emails straight to your inbox each time I add one.
Join me here in this series. Leave comments. Share your experiences. I always love hearing them.