2015: Create your Change

Happy New Year to each and every one of you!

2014 was an extremely difficult year for me. In all the best ways possible. It was a year that challenged me, broke me, and put me back together.

I remember specifically promising a loved one on January 1, 2014 that this year would be a monumental one. I could feel it, somehow, from the day it started. I didn’t know what it held, or where it was going to end up, but I absolutely knew that it would be one for the books. And that it was.

It started out with an adventure that looked impossible. I had chosen to try trusting, loving, and building when I didn’t think it was really possible. I jumped head first with all intentions of giving every piece of myself in the ways that I knew I should, and quickly after choosing to jump, I fell. Hard. My past situations were determining the amount of distrust I had in others completely unrelated to those situations. My heart was guarded and sheltered making it impossible for anyone to get near, even my closest friends. I carried resentment and hurt into new situations, expecting to be able to just shove it all in the corner. I was investing myself in trying to build things, but wasn’t willing to make sacrifices.

My growth and future were things that I wanted so badly, but my past was something I wasn’t willing to let go of.

And it killed me. Quite literally, really. Not the whole me, and not the physical me (obviously) but a big piece of me died this year. The piece that held me back. The piece that made me insecure, and lonely. That left me feeling unloved and unworthy.

There was this huge chunk of unworthiness that I had held onto so tightly, and there came a point where it had taken me over. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see a future, or a chance at success. All I could see was my inability to be worthy of love.

It took a monumental moment in my life for me to realize something. I was destroying myself. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced something like this, but it is quite possibly one of the most difficult feelings one can encounter. Self- destruction. An ability to take your life and unknowingly tear it apart. To be able to prevent yourself from moving forward. I saw my actions in a whole new light. My anger and resentment had become my identity. I had allowed years of other peoples opinions and actions to define my worth.  I came to believe that everything they said was true, instead of knowing and trusting myself and my heart to be true. How did others become the definition of me? I had allowed these things to create my day to day life for me. And for what? To prevent good things to come?

I had spent many random years struggling with depression and self love, but it was in this recent moment that I knew I had to change, or I wouldn’t make it to the end of the year. I needed help.

Happily, and proudly, I’ll admit that I searched for help in every way possible. It started with good friends. Ones who would speak my true value. I surrounded myself only with people who knew me for my deepest heart, versus those that tear me down. Books on philosophy and the power of love began piling up on my nightstand. And I started seeing an incredible counselor who has helped walk me through learning how to accept my lovability.

Many of you enjoyed going through a journey where I addressed how I found purpose and a mission in my life. {I recommend checking out both Search for Purpose and Write a Personal Mission Statement.} My journals have begun filling up with truths that I have discovered about myself. I have addressed some things that were defining me, to discover that others had created that reputation for me, I hadn’t done it for myself. I started confronting flaws and breaking down some really painful issues. My work is very far from done, as none of us will ever be perfect and ALWAYS have room to grow, but the changes that I have begun to see are amazing.

The most monumental thing that was happening was that I wasn’t having to change many of my traits or characteristics, all I was having to change was the way I viewed them.

And that changed everything.

The things that have followed have been phenomenal. I have discovered new passions, and rekindled old ones. I have opened up opportunities for myself that have grown beyond anything I thought possible (this blog being one of them!) People have come into my life who have brought more joy and growth than I had ever hoped for, while others who were creating pain and negativity were pushed a little further from my heart, as I learned how important it is to protect that.

This has been an incredible year in discovering myself. And the best part is that I have been able to share it with all of you.

My life is no more important than yours. My growth, experiences, and hardships aren’t any more significant. My choice to share comes solely in the hope that we can all somehow connect on an even playing field, to be able to impact each other. To recognize that we are never ever alone. And that we ALL are worthy and lovable.

You too, have the opportunity to grow, and build, and fall in love with the person that you are. I will continue to do it with you. Sometimes we will fall, and sometimes it will be harder than we think we are capable of dealing with, but if we all do this together, why can’t we begin seeing the world in a whole new light?

I am SO looking forward to 2015. A Year of Freedom is what I’m calling it. And that’s what I will be working to turn it into. To free myself from all of the boundaries I’ve given myself. To free myself from the lies I’ve been told and the strongholds I’ve created. I see freedom to love, and grow, and create.

I would love to speak that for your life too. Freedom. In whatever form you need it. Let’s use this year to create new opportunities in our spirits, minds, and physical capabilities!

Happy New Year to each and every one of you. And as always I LOVE to hear about your life. Never be afraid to leave a comment below or to send me an email at bemyintention@gmail.com with any questions or thoughts you may have.

With Love. A Whole lot of it.

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, self destruction or a lack of purpose or motivation I highly encourage you to speak to someone. Find someone you trust, be it a friend or mentor, or a trained professional. Never be ashamed to step forward and take control of your life.

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    January 1, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    I think 2014 was a rough year for a lot of people. I don’t know why, but it seems that so many people I know (including myself) went through a lot of struggles this past year.

    As someone who has struggled with depression over the years, I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. Finding that small group of people that will become your “home base” is such a big part of working through it all. I’ve found that just having people who are “present” with you during the lows can be an amazing help. Someone who knows when to speak, give advice, make you laugh, make you forget, and when to just sit with you in silence. Though they can’t experience exactly what you’re going through, they can be with you and remind you that you are not alone in the storm.

    I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog and can’t wait for more great posts! Happy New Year! I think this year’s gonna be a good one!

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